One veeeeeeeeeeeeery important thing i forgot to mention... =)

There's one very important person in my life I'd like to thank for a lot of things... she's been w/ me through thick and thin... put up w/ my whinin' and bitchin'... she my homegirl =) thx for bein there Vifz : )

She also made my layout!!! =) Isn't it beautiful? : ) !! She's one talented chick..... watch her graphics make it on CD covers someday.

Thx babe. Mucho . : )

I never fail to marvel at how quickly time flies. Interesting how we continue to be amazed by something so fundamental and predictable as time... that mere seconds at moments can seem hours long, but months can pass by in a blur of laughter, caffeine, and sleepless nights. Just three months ago, I recall sitting in this very spot basking in the passing warmth of summer and looking up into an expanse of bright blue sky, with not a cloud in sight - looking forward to the start of a new school year, yet at the same time, apprehensive. And now, I'm here again, looking back..

Lots of things happened in the last couple of months... which i shall not discuss at length here (haha... i bet there are sighs of relief out there eh? "Once she start, she don't stop!" Hehe. Damn straight..) Those people who've kept up with my life and the tumultuousness it came hand in hand with; thanks for lending an ear =). I've always thought that I can handle things fine on my own, but I guess there are times when I just really need someone to lean on. Thanks .

There's soooo much I wanna accomplish over the holidays! I feel somewhat lost right now. ! Normally I'd be busy busy busy trying to get everything done, and now suddenly I've got so much free time swimming around that I'm kind of at a loss as to how I should use it. Wish I could say the same for cash. Haha. I think I'm suffering symptoms of withdrawal due to lack of work. I can't sit still. I'm restless and fidgety. My hands are jittery. I'm jittery. Perhaps it's the caffeine. Should stay off that stuff.

I just found out yesterday my mom might be heading off to the land of the Hongers. (an aside.. if you haven't read this already, go check it out -->http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=honger&r=f .. it's a riot. ). If my mom really does end up booking it out of this place for the next couple of weeks.. maaan : )..... it'd be sweet sweet freedom. It's pretty sad though... even on days when I'm home alone and only half a foot of wall lies between me and the outside world, I'd probably choose to be home simply because I don't know where else to go. Like a bird that's been caged too long... only knows home. : ( . Anyone out there who can help me fix that this break? Take me by the hand and show me the outside world? Haha... it's really that bad... : ( Honestly have noooo idea what there is to do out there haha.

Met a pretty chill group of people since the summer. So much fun! I find it kind of interesting how the people I'm most looking forward to hanging out with this break are also the people I know least well. It's so awesome having that lighthearted atmosphere ... =).

I don't have a wish list... but I've got a list of things I want to do.. some require the help of others though : )!

1>> CLEAN ROOM. Right now it's like frickin' Hurricane Winnie ran through it 3 times. Classic definition of disorder.

2>> CLEAN HOUSE. Yesss.. I have decided to mend my ways and walk the neat path. How long that's going to last .. NOOO clue. Haha. But seeing as some guys I know are neater than the girls I know, I suppose I should put up a good fight against all those male Martha Stewarts out there. ^^V.

3>> EXERCISE! I swear I've got the laziest ass within a 10 km radius. I also realized that I sit for most of my day. Most being like, 22.5/24 hours. Haha. The 1.5 where the Chair-Ass Barrier is broken is split among standing up on the bus to get to school, walking to classes, walking from my chair to the dinner table, or to the bathroom. That is .. not good. +_+.

Can your butt get bigger from sitting too much? My mom keeps telling me that. I don't wanna find out if it's true. Haha. I gained 10 lbs in the last two months, but I can't figure out where the weight has gone. I have a feeling I'm sitting on it.

Haha. I need someone to run with... anyone up for a jog? Or to go work out? Or to teach me how to work out so I don't do something stupid.. you know anything's possible with me. Haha.

I want sexy abs....... haha : ) Oh man. So far, I have a 1-pack. -_-;. I wonder if i can up that number by the end of 3 months?

4>> SHOPPING. Oh man. I am in desperate need of retail therapy. Man oh man oh man. : ) . Time goes by extra fast in a mall. Triple that if you're a female. : )

5>> UNDO SELF-INDUCED JETLAG. Some people think I never sleep. I do. Just not a lot. Maybe too little. Haha.. come exam time... there was a time when i didn't sleep for a day and a half straight. Normal bedtime is 2am (on average... haha..), but after that it was 2pm till 8pm. 12 hour shift! I could be on the other side of the world right now. Who am i kidding = (. Haha. So.. gotta fix this little problem up so that my mom doesn't tell me I look like a heroin addict everytime I come in the door. Must. Zzzzz.

They say you only need around 5 hours of sleep a night be to healthy.. over 8 hours - you shorten your lifetime (IBers - that's what Willard said rite?). If someday they manufacture bottled sleep, i'd be the first customer (Nick -> work on that. Rmbr meat flavoured icecream?)

6>> WATCH MOVIES. I love movies! The only problem is.. i never have time to watch any . So i gotta do that. =) Who's up for a movie!? (Vifz - Ocean's 12!!) As for horror movies - I havent seen a creepy flick since grade 3. I scare SO EASILY. Oh man. I can scare myself sitting here envisioning scary.. images? AND DONT EVER SEND ME ANY OF THOSE THINGS WHERE FREAKY FACES POP UP because if you do, after i'm done with you, your face will be by far creepier than anything else you'll dream of sending me. Okay, maybe not. But man. Just.. don't do that.

A friend of mine proposed an interesting solution to point 5 of my problem - the jetlag at home. I stay up so late that it's probably going to be a health risk someday in the near future. So, he proposes that if i watch a scary flick, I'll scare my own brains out and I won't be caught dead staying up alone in the basement by myself... and i'll probably end up sleeping earlier than the rest of my family. Haha. Think it'll work? I don't know.. kind of sketchy... is it worth it? Anyone up for trying that? I must warn you though - I'm gonna grab onto the armrest or your arm for all its/you're worth.. haha. So be prepared.

7>> BAKE. Four days straight of eating instant noodles can really make a girl think about her self sufficiency. I have concluded that I seem to score abominably low in that area. Sooo. I must learn how to cook! =) Either that... or find a chef to marry... By the end of break, I'm gonna make some kickass dessert and a kickass meal. : ). Who wants to be the taste tester??

8>> STARBUCKS MUG. Gotta get a new one =). I can't believe I left my other mug in anat lecture hall =( Im such a "dai tau ha" (ie. big headed shrimp... ie. forgetful moron) Haha. If my brain weren't situated inside my head, I wouldn't have it right now. : ) Starbucks makes me happy. I just really enjoy that atmosphere. Someday... If i ever get that penthouse crib of mine... im gonna design a room like Starbucks = ) It'll emanate that comfortable cafe coffee shop atmosphere. : )  

Why do i love cafes so much? I think it's because I've been able to have many an invigorating conversation with people I don't know previously. Last week, I was talking to this old woman... and she told me her amazing life story... it was absolutely touching. I really appreciate/admire people who try to be friendly and start up a conversation. People just seem so restrained and suspicious in public whenever anyone talks to them.... I think it's awesome if you're able to just be friendly and strike up a convo =)

Soooo. There you have it... my tentative list of things to do. ( :

Thought of the moment: Trust your intuition. If it says you'll regret it, you probably will. Trust it. +P.

Fricking hell! Why the heck is it November!? Haha. Mannn. WHY is my Xanga so out of date? I really ought to update more often. I've said this every time... in every entry i've made (works out to be once every couple of months it seems). I don't know why I've waited so long. Actually, I do know why. It's because I've waited for the opportunity to just sit down and compose the most beautiful Xanga entry ever. To wow my audience. Which is probably no one right now, seeing as I never update.

I've had so many thoughts run through my head. I've had so many revelations, and epiphanies since July 11th. But why have I not shared any of them? Why have I shut them in my mind only to let everything bubble away in my mental cauldron? Now, as I let everything in the past few months flash through my memories once again, it seems as though everything's less meaningful... and i cannot recall why those events ever had such a great impact on my life. Time makes all things fade... whether we like it or not.

I don't know what's more preferable sometimes. Would I rather always keep a record of all my memories, including those that have pained me? Or would I rather have everything fade to the extent where I barely recall the emotional state I was in when i went through those events? Perhaps someday far into the future (or maybe not so far... 100 yrs ago, computers were a dream.. today they form the crux of modern civilization), they will invent something where you can save your emotional states onto little chips and when you feel like returning to savour the feelings, you can just plug it into yourself and relive the emotions... as cameras take snapshots of moments in time.. as camcorders pose as an eye to the world for a short period of time... perhaps someday we shall move from the objective gathering of information to the subjective recalling of emotions.

And why have I been rambling on about this? I think I'm currently at a point in my life where I'm just getting really tired, and feeling like I can't hold everything up. I'm not depressed though, don't worry. Nor am I feeling pessimistic. I'm just ... really tired. The road ahead appears long, the end nowhere in sight, as I have barely passed the starting line...

And what does all of this have to do with Xanga? It's because I don't really feel the need to churn out absolutely flawless and perfect entries everytime i post anything.. at least, not at the present time anyway. The reason why there has been so much empty space where no postings have taken place between July and now is because I've held so much back in hopes that I would be able to just belch out some masterpiece. Too tired to consider that now. I just wanna get thoughts out. Just words on screen. This is a place to share, not to be perfect. Not to be judged on how things are said or what is said, but simply to appreciate the differences amongst each of our lives.

What made me suddenly decide to just spill my thoughts so randomly without hindrance? I think it's the fact that I've been sick for the last couple of days... and sick beyond anything I've felt in a long time. Yesterday I felt like I was going to collapse... and just the combination of undesirable physiological responses was so great that I was helpless to do anything but force myself to sleep. But even in the most adverse of situations, we can still find optimism ... something to live for, and something to hope for, something to think about, and something to act upon.

One of the greatest surprises that came to me during this short (but seemed interminably long) period of time that I was ill was the realization that so many around me cared about my well-being. That I wasn't simply just another face in the crowd, another short asian girl with crazy laughter, nor an acquaintance to be seen and forgotten. It makes me smile and feel all warm inside to know that people care. Thanks =) You have no idea how much it all means to me =).

Sickness aside, there's a gajillion things occupying my mental space right now. I think I really need to plan some renovation or at the very least, some rearrangment in there. There's so much I need to sort out. So much to accomplish. So much to gain... and probably more to lose if I don't plan well enough. So many considerations and responsibilities. So many hopes and dreams brought down a good few notches by the harshness of reality. Yet there remains so much to smile for, to laugh for, to hope for. How can one face in the morning bring me to smile like a kid in a candy store, and yet another face bring to me feel like I'm flattened by a steamroller... 10 times over? Why is it that, though I know what's best for me, my heart and my head will not ever agree long enough to let me be at peace, at least peaceable enough to make a decision? I keep telling others to not think so much, and to let events run their natural course... but why can't I allow myself to just... relax... and live...?

The song playing in the background is Way Out West - Mindcircus. Describes my present condition fairly well actually. Thoughts doing flip flops and jumps and spins, seeking thrills but at the same time afraid, in awe of what can be conjured but curious to discover how far they can stretch...

Way out West - Mindcircus.

Falling in
Six hours from morning
And falling in
Sink me off to... sleep

So come along within, ahh... uhh
I think it's time to let me in
I'm tipping my foot very close to the edge, edge... ahh
Just a few more of your seconds
And I need for me to repair
To neatly stand and spin it around in my head, Yeah... ahh

Can I please have some silence
Can I please have some silence (yeah)
Can I please have some silence
How 'bout some space

Almost
Ready to drift now
And I feel myself slipping inside you
Just a little bit further
Before something drags me back
So close, I thought I nearly had you there

I'm so tired
I gotta sleep
I wanna wake up from a dream
I've had enough
I need to sleep
I want to wake up without you... here

So come along within, ahh..uhh
I think it's time to let me in
I'm tipping my foot very close to the edge, edge... ahh
Just a few more of your seconds
And I need for me to repair
To neatly stand and spin it around in my head, Yeah... ahh

Can I please have some silence
Can I please have some silence (yeah)
Can I please have some silence
How bout some space

Could I please ... have some silence
Could I have some space
Could I have some space

Can I please have some silence

Yep. I think I just really need some silence... if only the clowns inside my head would rest...

Finally. The emotional roller coaster ride draws to a close. Ups. Downs. Moments when I felt like things were spiralling out of control. Times when I felt like a break from reality was long overdue and I had wished for nothing more than to be carried away by sleep - to plunge into oblivion and put on life on hold.

They say all good things must come to an end, but I suppose the same goes for bad things as well. Trials build character, mold your personality, and sculpt your perspectives, but i think i've had enough of being kneaded and chipped away at... hopefully it'll be smooth sailing from here on...

Went to the Evanescence concert a few days ago~ Was AWESOME! I was deaf for two days! Haha. : P. The music was overbearingly loud but after you got used to it, the way the sound reverberated and pulsed through your body was actually.. pretty trippy. Or maybe I took in too much second hand weed. :P!

It was awesome hearing "Broken" performed live... the words are pretty straight forward but there was something about the song that i found captivating.. i suppose you develop an attachment to songs you can relate to. They're like emotional mirrors - but they reflect parts of you that no one can really see save for yourself..

Broken. >>Seether feat. Amy Lee<<

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone

You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore

It's been a month since I last updated!? Whaaaat. Weeeeell... since a dear friend (:P) has kindly alluded to my laziness by saying that the last entry he read was from August 2003, here's an update!  

It's been a pretty eventful day; in my terms anyway. I've been accused of living in a cave - and that hermitgirl should start reaching out more and practice her social skills. So today, Vincent decided that he'll help me take initiative and introduced me to his crew : ) His friends are so nice and friendly! !! Thanks a lot dude... i had a lot of fun today playing tennis and pigging out. My forehead is slightly bruised now, however, due to a not-so-graceful gesture on my part .. i banged myself with the racket while trying to hit the ball. Haha. Klutziness has struck again! Gah. o.0-

I FINALLY LEARNED HOW TO PLAY MAHJONG TODAY! This is the greatest achievement since i survived finals. Haha... props to Vera + Vince for their MJ tutorials ;)

Alas, all good things must come to an end. Microbi starts tomorrow night and time spent lazing around must now be focused on reading about little tiny beasties and what they do :P.

Damn. What a bad blog. Haha.. i'm braindead right now. -_-; i think a month of being lazy has finally gotten to me. better jumpstart those neurons with some academic stimulation.. Chapter 1. The Immune System. zzzz...